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Week 2 Review: Defense Is a Rumor and Everyone Wants an Assist
Week 2 produced 32 official goals across three games, suggesting either an explosion of elite offensive talent or a league-wide agreement that backchecking is unpaid labor. The scoreboard operators got more exercise than several defensemen, the goalies saw enough rubber to qualify as a tire factory, and everyone still left convinced the scorekeeper had personally stolen at least one point from them.
The Hot Wings and Oilers opened with a tasteful 7–6 shootout because apparently 12 credited goals were not enough entertainment. Tommy He scored a hat trick in his season debut, Mark Mungo answered with two goals and one assist, then immediately resumed his annual investigation into all the other assists he believes are being hidden from him. The Oilers now have two standings points from two shootout losses and no wins—a remarkably efficient way to remain competitive without experiencing joy.
The Warriors handled the Expos 6–2 and moved alone into first place. Wes Wes Wes collected a goal and three assists, which is the sort of stat line that guarantees modesty will not survive the parking lot. The Expos, meanwhile, remain on zero points and have now spent two Sundays waiting for Dima Poliakov. At this stage, the league is considering printing his face on milk cartons, assuming anyone can find milk at the rink.
Then the Bears woke up from their Week 1 bye and chose violence, dismantling the Revs 8–3. Alexandre Ouellet scored three, Andrew Durocher added two goals and an assist, and Eric Selley launched two elegant golf shots from the blue line. Selley’s technique was less hockey slap shot and more nine-iron onto the green, except the green had a goalie standing on it and the gallery smelled like old gloves.
As for the Revs: did they get tired, take a nap, and forget to set an alarm? They allowed eight goals after winning in Week 1, a performance best described as ‘technically present.’ The postgame film has been secured as evidence, although nobody has volunteered to watch it without coffee, legal counsel, and the option to leave halfway through.
The Bulls enjoyed the bye and remain undefeated, which is technically impressive and physically effortless. After two weeks, the Warriors lead, five teams are tied on two points, and the Expos are holding the bottom of the table steady so nobody else has to.
Week 2 is complete. Defense remains optional, confidence remains unearned, and the parking lot trophy remains the league’s only truly respected institution.
